vanessa van houten

I was thinking of the time I heard the news my brother had passed away. The moment when my mum picked me up from school….and the pain I felt when we arrived at my dads house. I was asking myself why he made that decision.

Remembering all the times while I was growing up when I needed him and how I wish my kids had him as an uncle. But such is life and memories last forever.

I was thinking about when my friends left. I get sad when people leave, because I miss them when they’re gone.

On June 14, 2010 my third child was born. Six months later I lost my job and I was jobless for 11 months. During that period, I was so lost. I didn’t know how to provide for my family. Every month I have to pay for house rent, school tuition and daily needs that I had to sell my only bike, 29” TV, fridge… almost everything I owned was gone. My first kid in senior high school almost dropped out, but thank God it didn’t happen. He got his diploma. A bitter memory. Now I look forward to better life.

I lost my grandfather: grandpa. I used to play with him at ocean grove. I don’t remember what he looks like anymore. I was only young when he died. I don’t want anyone else in my family to die while I am young.

I’ve lost precious time with my children. Lots of time was spent fussing over trying to parent them perfectly. I often “majored in minor issues” that I felt would be detrimental to their development. I am sorry that I did not play with them in the rain and the mud more. I should have given them more time to be free, to explore and to fail….

The happiness that existed before is now gone. Since my father and mother got divorced, he left everyone in the family. I’m hoping that one day my father will return, like before.

I really hope so.

When you choose your way of life, you want it to be perfect
But when you choose for "The life' that is inside "you" and not from the culture of Indonesia, you have to be "strong"
I protected you
I raised you
I don't care about what other’s say
And we both fell in love with each other
In my eyes, you are perfect
Until today I'm really happy to have you my love.

I was thinking about my father – whom I love dearly _ and what he made me lose. He broke everything. Our family. Our stability. My foundations. Our home. My sense of belonging. And I realized that huge, important decisions in my life, such as my choice of husband, or how to live my marriage, even my expectations of marriage, have been tainted and influenced by that initial loss.

It sounds cliché, but I lost my innocence. He was the child, I was the adult. I never had a hope of being normal.